Was speaking to W in the lab today about relationships. I can’t say I’ve had that many serious relationships, but I am scared of making the same mistakes again. It feels very strange to look back and think of when I fell in love with Dp, it almost makes me physically thick when I think of some of the things I did, the way I acted, the way he was and is, although i didnt come to see it til recently. Other people I’ve been out with, well, I am still friendly with, and I don’t hate them. But with Dp I cant bare to be around him now, and I really feel like throwing up just at the thought of kissing him. Why is this? He was my first love, and to go from love to detest is quite an extreme swing of the emotion-o-meter don’t you think?
When I met him I’m not sure if I wasnt myself, or if I was not acting myself, if I changed because of him, or if I was just looking for something. Bu tI think a lot to do with me despising him is the fact he blames me for everything, for the coldness of English people, for the weather, for his lack of self-esteem, for a whole lot of things I didnt feel were my fault.
My views on marriage have changed because of it. For a long time I thought marriage was a really big goal in life, and I wanted to prove I was nothing like my father and could stick one out. Now I think of marriage as something which severs your achilles tendon so that although your legs are fine you can’t even attempt to walk. I know i felt tied into something I wasnt in to, if you catch my drift. I didnt feel strong enough to say fuck it, and I really wanted to make it work, or at least not fail, which I guess is actually something completely different.
I am very glad I am out of it now. I think I really wanted to be loved by a guy, for a man to love me, and I changed who I was, what I wanted, I ignored anything that Dp did that upset me: in fact the more I cried the more I thought I must love him if he can hurt me so much. When I first met Dp he showed me a photo of his ex-gf in his wallet. Anybody would think wack-job! (as I would now, and do in retrospect) but I really wanted him, and in some fucked up way I thought marrying him would show to all the others that I could have what I wanted.
Yet I don’t think it’s a simple fact of wanting something then losing interest once I had it. I should have identified from the start that we wanted completely different things and that he was only interested in himself. I sound so awful towards him, but to say anything nice makes me feel ill. I wish it wasnt this way, althogh I want it like this- I want nothing more to do with him ever.
I guess growing up with no real insight into ‘normal’ relationships might have made me a ‘pleaser’, thinking a relationship with a man is doing whatever he wants and agreeing with whatever he says, and only later realising I had lost sight of myself and what I wanted.
So now I’m scared, I dont want to do the same again, and I don’t want to have relationships that always end in resentment. I just wanna have fun, woah girls just wanna have fun, doo doo doo
Sorry sidetracked by Annie Lennox. I feel a mentalist for writing this, I’ll never want to look at this post again as I want to forget I ever had feelings for Dp, but I know this isn’t right, it’s just the way I’m feeling tonight, and that it’s all part experiencing life.
Do I regret it? suprisingly no: I am who I am and I am glad i messed up a relationship that I dont care about now, rather than looking back and regretting, thinking of what might have been. Onwards, onwards!