I have been putting off writing something for a while. I keep finding myself heading this way but then I make a diversion, I feared that I might just write crap and moan and moan and moan. I’ve been feeling a bit down of late, more frustrated and lacking in determination than anything. ‘What’s the point?’ and ‘fuck it’ are phrases that go through my mind in relation to a few things more than once during a day.
At least i’m learning more about my self. Self flaws:
I have no patience/ determination. When something doesnt work or doesnt look like it’s working I don’t want to hold out til the end, I want to get rid and do something that does.
I am insecure. When anything goes wrong I always think it’s my fault; that I am a complete loser. Also in relationships i pretty much think it must be me who is boring/ stupid/ embarassing and i worry about people leaving. I’ve always had this leaving fear- of people leaving me, whether it is friends, family, lovers, whatever- and yet I also always expect it, I see the scenario in my head and later it happens. What a moron.
I cannot focus. I am always planning and taking short cuts- planning would be good but in my head planning goes like this ‘ ok you’re doing X now but you also need to do Y so, hell, why don’t you do them at the same time! and remember, you have Z to do tomorrow, you could maybe do some of that just now, while maybe listening to that show you wanted to hear and calling your mum at the same time’. I kid myself I’m time saving.
I cannot say no. Sometimes there are people I cannot say no to. I say “yes I’ll do that, yes I’ll come, yes I can do that, no, that’s not a big detour, well, yes, cambridge is kinda on the way to london from oxford”. When all I want to say, really, is “actually i’m a lazy bastard and a bad friend but I just wanna do what I like, so that’s what i’m gonny do”, But then i think i will have offended someone, or that I owe people something, or that i will be found out for the nasty person I am. Big Whoop.
so there you have it, 5 minutes of mind-numbing self-indulgent pity. Sweeeeeet. or self-pitying indulgence?
ready for some more?
At the moment I am down because I have realised that being a scientist pretty much sucks and that i pretty much suck at science. Also I am annoyed with my mother as she never calls me or writes to me and when i get in touch with her she just moans about the rest of our family that I actually like. and she was too lazy to get a pen to write my new telephone number down last time I called. i wonder how long I can leave it? Actually i don’t want to leave it, I respect my mum for all that she did for me and my sis and sometimes I remind myself of her, but yet there are characteristics of hers I definitely don’t want to have. I hope I don’t have. I am annoyed that my boss thinks I need counselling- am I crazy? I mean i know I’m dance-round-the-lab-and-laugh-at-nothing-crazy, but am i pop-pills-like-they’re-sweets-and-laugh-with-my-head-on-one-side sorta crazy? or am i just being a munter about it? I just want out, i want to lie on some hay in a field with the big sky above me and chill the fuck out for a while. all on my lonesome. And I miss my friends, I miss my great friends. In oxford I don’t really have friend friends, i mean I have friends, but I don’t have any of my friends that I can call at any time of day or night, or who would be happy just to sit with me in my pjs and chat, watch telly, read. to all my friends, the few out there who really mean something, i love yis!
I like being with C but then my insecurity does my head in, i wish I could stab myself in the ear and out the other with a screwdriver sometimes, it is fun but then, when in moods like I am today, i think crap thoughts that get me down. why am I such a fuckwit? blah blah blah i talk so much crap, i think boo hoo poor you then i also think fucking wake up you dumb ass and get a grip.