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I feel slightly better in the realisation i’m not going crazy. My boss does my nut in, tells me how I think and how I feel and what do whether it’s with work or with my hair or my boyfriends. to begin with I think I stood up to her, being sarcastic, biut then realised it’s easier to just agree, but then I don’t really so end up getting frustrated with myself. She says that my lively personality is a front for a sadness underneath, but really I think i’ve just been feeling sad in some ways cos she expects me to be all sad about things that don’t really bother me, she says they mess up my head, but they don;t, I end up thinking how she tells me i’m thinking and that fucks with my head because i;m not strong enough to say, no, wearing loud clothes does not mean underneath i am desperately sad. that’s shit. but instead I agree then later feel frsutrated cos i know it’s not true, then later still start to think maybe it is true and it fucks me up. I’d like to come to work and do work and not really get reminded or told about home lives. I think my life will be a lot better when i don’t work with this woman anymore, she really fucks with your head. I know in her own way she thinks she’s helping, but her helping is telling you her way, how she lives her life, but I don’t want to be like her. I want to have a boss like a teacher, like one from high school or from uni undergrad that is just all about work but can have a laugh about other current issues but nothing personal, just like a boss should be really. I just always feel so intimidated by her, like one of her dogs, I just have to do what she says, then I get frustrated, like a child or a teenager- there is no leeway or compromise with her, it’s her “perfect” way or the high way, and I don’t think that;s normal. and I don’t think I should be judging myself on her expectations. I just want to be left alone to get on with things and not be scared of her opinion- but I just can’t talk to her like a normal human being. she just doesnt get it. so I was feeling a lot better, like i’m not going crazy, when I spoke to my second supervisor and he said she was not right in getting involved in my life. not right in telling me how to live my life by her warped view. He said i should also talk to another person in the department too. so i hope I can get on with my PhD and stop being always scared by her, stop always having to fight and struggle and just get on with my job, stop having to constantly make boundaries, and just work and not worry and not be scared on intimidated, it takes too much energy and is distracting and I have realised is quite a big cause of me not liking my PhD. So I hope in realising this I can make things better but I’m not sure, I still feel scared of her, I wish I had a different supervisor. Or just that she wasn’t here.

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