hmm

Confused again. What do I want? Spoke to profs and supervisors today, I had a plan to be accommodating and reasonable, to visit C in Oz just for 2 weeks whenever was best for the others. If I work hard enough i thought it would be a good thing to look forward too, I still feel like I am going, that 6 months is too long not to see someone that you think about all the time. But my boss said no. She said if I go I will be showing a lack of a commitment, showing that my PhD is not the most important thing, showing that I don’t care, showing that my priorities lie elsewhere. She said if I do go I will get kicked out. Why can;t I have both? why can’t I go on holiday and work hard, it could be a reward for me? I guess that’s not long enough. She said I have to work really hard for 6 months to make up for not doing any work over the summer. Some things I agree with her- I need to work harder, I have to be committed. However, i don’t agree with her on others- yeah, I didnt work hard over the summer but I did still do some work. ALso she says she is having a 3 week holiday as she has never taken a 3 week holiday ever- so why wasn’t she around at all in the summer? and she still comes in late and goes home early and on jaunts all over the joint- but I guess she’ll say she has a PhD. I get the feeling she wants me to quit, she said that she says I am basically telling her that it’s more important for me to go on holiday, she said that you have to work hard in your PhD and postdoc, harder than i can i got the impression, she says that having a man messes me up, that I can’t focus. She says that most people think of science when they’re in the shower, not of having a shower with their man when they’re doing science. I don’t want to quit, I think I would take it bad, I would feel like a fuck up and a failure, I would have a chip on my shoulder, I might end up resenting C, putting my feelings of disappointment onto him and blaming him which i wouldnt want to do. But I don’t know if I want this life, I like doing science when it works, I really do, and i do actually like working hard, I like the people in my lab and it feels good when things are going forward. work is flexible too. I mean, the pay is shit and long hours are the norm but that’s OK if you like it. What really gets to me is not being able to be with the people I love, they are so more important to me than any job. Jane says a normal job would have sacked me ages ago, that I did no work and they still paid me. I just feel it’s unfair- fleur took a term off and is still here. Armando took a holiday in Spain but cos my boss never found out then it’s OK. Because I can’t lie and won’t go behind anyone’s back I get shafted. I hate the fact that I feel like looking like you’re working hard is more important than actually working hard. WTF is with that? I like the other Scottish prof, but I didn’t realise he thinks the same as jane, and he sounded like he didn’t want to disagree with her- I thought he was stronger than that. But maybe they are both just right, that I don’t deserve a holiday and gotta work my ass off for 6 months. I mean, I do want to work my ass of for 6 months but I’d like to see my boyfriend for 2 weeks in the middle, but they say i can’t afford that, and if i do then basically I am outta here. I can’t make that decision, I really want to see my boyfriend, it’s 3 weeks now and we are in contact everyday and i think about him a lot- I still focus on my work, I feel like I can do this, but today i feel like I am back down again, that I am working for nothing, I am working hard for a life of being unhappy. I know I will resent my PhD, when I am in the lab alone at new year, when i call mikey and could be with him, when I let him down, when i feel like my life is out of my control again, when i feel frustrated with myself for not being able to stand up for myself or be able to live my life the way I want. Maybe i should do something else, maybe I should convert to masters but i don’t know if they would let me. Have I wasted these last few years? Maybe C would not like me as much if I quit too, I wouldnt like me as much. I don’t want to quit, so what the fuck am I going to do? i am very sad today.

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