So I was talking to C earlier on the phone, i like talking to him when i wake up on Sunday morning all warm and sleepy, and I told him that if I knew someone like me, my advice to them would be shut up and do something about it. Either live with it and stop moaning, or decide to do something to make it better. And I realised. I should bloody listen to my own advice, no good thinking people who are always moaning should just GET OVER IT when I use this blog like mind vomit to purge my frustrations- if that isn’t moaning and wallowing in self pity I dont know what is.
I realised other things while talking to him, that it’s Ok to admit to people that I am just lying to myself, that actually how apical meristems divide doesnt really matter to me, and that yeah some science I find really exciting but not doing a PhD is OK, and being happy is.
I don’t have to pretend that I am really into my PhD, we only have this one life to live and it’s a bit of a waste to do something that makes you feel crappy. I dont need to be angry or upset or frustrated but just say hey, that’s Ok, this isn’t for me, my heart isn’t in it. I’m not a good scientist as I don’t care enough. Maybe a different subject I would, but maybe I just like the big picture, and the small things of why my probe didnt work or why my PCR works sometimes and not others just frustrate me and leave me numb rather than driving me to find out. I dont like thinking on small scale like that, especially when I find there is no answer, I like being creative and asking questions, and my project has not given me any data to analyse, so it just bores and frustrates me, and I dont like it. So, Ok, that’s heathen to some people, I’m happy that they have found something they really like and leaf division keeps them awake at night, and I feel like a numpty at work, but I have to think that that’s not the whole world, it’s OK to admit that you are actually pretending and that you’re not like them, even if it’s hard and they look at you like you’re some sort of weirdo, but I think it’s important to yourself, to admit things like that to yourself and stop looking for an answer from outside when the answer is within.
So that means I feel pretty good today, pretty happy, and I have a boyfriend who loves me and a good family and good friends. I have enough money to live off and can eat at nice japanese restaurants from time to time and watch movies at the cinema and laugh at comedy online and get sweets from the vending machine. I am young and disease-free (touch wood) and not clinically obese or clinically ugly (believe me, some people need medical help) (sorry I am happy today and not narky, that was just my dodgy sense of humour coming through)(hey, aren’t jokes supposed to be funny you ask?) anyways, I have lots of things to be thankful for and I should just be thankful for what I have and not pretend to be or to want something else. I only have to live for me and not for what others think or believe, and yep, I may make what some people may say are mistakes but this is my life and I learn from it every day, so that’s worth it I think, and I wouldnt take a day back as they made me who I am today. and today I like me, almost!!