sitting in my living room writing this with taggart in the back ground. my boyfriend uses this excuse when he’s late- sorry, had to go via glasgow, the traffic was murrrrrdurrrrrr. and then he’ll follow this up with, can we meet later tomorrow, I have to go via chicago, the traffic will be moidoi. yeah, I love jokes about people with scottish accents, me…
spoke to Scottish prof at work today in what turned out to be 3 hr stint. it was good to talk to him, I like him cos he’s there, I mean ‘there’ as in when you talk to him he’s not somewhere else..yeah not good at explaining am I? he is also like people I know at home so i find it easier to talk to him than some english people, it’s just nice sometime to talk to a scottish person, if you know what I mean.
I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow, the boss is back, i might be out on my rear, i might get a talk-to-the-hand as she’s busy, I might get to write up a masters, I might get funding til summer, oh so many things I could or could not get, with funding, timing, studies, etc etc. she could be nice, she could be a bitch, she could be a help, she could be a hindrance, she could make me feel really bad about myself and point out lots of shit I dont want to hear, she could be practical and make things easier, I just have to deal with it. I have to push for what I want to, which I think is a masters, writing up now and coming into lab now and again to finish stuff, hopefully done by Easter but scottish prof thinks will take longer. But I dont know if I have the confidence to stand up to them, the confidence in myself or my own work, if they say well you are a waste of our time and you’re rubbish and we want our money back, whether I will be able to argue against that- do I really think I am worth it? at the moment I don’t, I’m on the edge, half the time I think, well, I know I’m shit, and the other half, well, I’m not so shit. I don’t know. I’m too tired to fight too, i feel like I am crap and a waste of space and they deserve to kick me to the curb, but then I dont want to tell them that as I want a masters out of it, but how can I stick up for myself if I dont believe in myself? not looking forward to tomorrow… or it will be worse still if they put it off til later, til everyone is back, but then I guess I need to speak to everyone and not just have jane’s opinion. i dont like waiting, i dont like doing nothing, being stagnant, worrying, i want to get on with things, move forward, be productive.
I gotta decide what i’m going to say to them, speak how I feel, ie down about coming to work, or lift myself up and put a false smile on and go for it? oh fuck it I want to be a pirate…
actually looking for jobs still, here’s 5 i’m thinking of:
civil service fast streamer
mobile surveillance officer
17 sleeps til I’m in Oz! yaya!