sitting in my living room writing this with taggart in the back ground. my boyfriend uses this excuse when he’s late- sorry, had to go via glasgow, the traffic was murrrrrdurrrrrr. and then he’ll follow this up with, can we meet later tomorrow, I have to go via chicago, the traffic will be moidoi. yeah, I love jokes about people with scottish accents, me…

spoke to Scottish prof at work today in what turned out to be 3 hr stint. it was good to talk to him, I like him cos he’s there, I mean ‘there’ as in when you talk to him he’s not somewhere else..yeah not good at explaining am I? he is also like people I know at home so i find it easier to talk to him than some english people, it’s just nice sometime to talk to a scottish person, if you know what I mean.

I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow, the boss is back, i might be out on my rear, i might get a talk-to-the-hand as she’s busy, I might get to write up a masters, I might get funding til summer, oh so many things I could or could not get, with funding, timing, studies, etc etc. she could be nice, she could be a bitch, she could be a help, she could be a hindrance, she could make me feel really bad about myself and point out lots of shit I dont want to hear, she could be practical and make things easier, I just have to deal with it. I have to push for what I want to, which I think is a masters, writing up now and coming into lab now and again to finish stuff, hopefully done by Easter but scottish prof thinks will take longer. But I dont know if I have the confidence to stand up to them, the confidence in myself or my own work, if they say well you are a waste of our time and you’re rubbish and we want our money back, whether I will be able to argue against that- do I really think I am worth it? at the moment I don’t, I’m on the edge, half the time I think, well, I know I’m shit, and the other half, well, I’m not so shit. I don’t know. I’m too tired to fight too, i feel like I am crap and a waste of space and they deserve to kick me to the curb, but then I dont want to tell them that as I want a masters out of it, but how can I stick up for myself if I dont believe in myself? not looking forward to tomorrow… or it will be worse still if they put it off til later, til everyone is back, but then I guess I need to speak to everyone and not just have jane’s opinion. i dont like waiting, i dont like doing nothing, being stagnant, worrying, i want to get on with things, move forward, be productive.

I gotta decide what i’m going to say to them, speak how I feel, ie down about coming to work, or lift myself up and put a false smile on and go for it? oh fuck it I want to be a pirate…

actually looking for jobs still, here’s 5 i’m thinking of:
civil service fast streamer
events manager
mobile surveillance officer

17 sleeps til I’m in Oz! yaya!


One thought on “taggart

  1. be strong!!!! and fight for what you think is best for you. she will probably end up being a bitch, but youknow that and can be prepared for it. go gir!

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