so yesterday came to work early, for me at the moment, at 1030 hrs. I sweated it out sitting in the office til Jane arrived at 230 ish. I went to speak to her and asked is she got my email and whether I could do a masters. She said I couldnt, as my data is not enough for a coherent story. She said she was disappointed in me. She said she was offended i emailed her when she was on holiday. I asked if she was saying the only option for me was to leave, and she said well she had to decide if I was sick first. she means sick in the head. she said she hadn’t thought about it cos I wasnt high on her priorities list and she would come and find me in an hour. 3 hrs later she comes and finds me, and stares at me and says, so…
so i just tell her what the craic is in that I’m not enjoying work my project isnt working I cant put up with consistant failure etc etc and she basically says that I might be clinically depressed and I have to go to doctor to see.. it would be easier for her i guess to say i’m leaving cos I’m depressed or mentally ill etc, but I said to her i dont want to take the easy way out, it would be easier for me too to say i’m depressed and can’t deal with the project and lab etc blah blah blah had a hard year split up from my husband blah blah blah but basically that’s a load of bollocks.

yeah, i’m not happy when i come to work but that’s because i’m crap and I dont like it and I dont like working under jane and in this lab. I think it’s OK to stand up and say, hey, it’s OK to not be a scientist. thought somtimes I get the feeling these academics think that if you dont want to be like them you must be crazy…

so at 4 today i’m off to the doctors to see if they think i’m crazy, and i’m not going to pretend I am, cos i;m not, and fuck that, I’m actually quite happy to think i dont have to pretend or put up with this shit any more, and I’m looking forward to going to Oz.

then i have to write 4 lists
1- what I like
2- why i wouldnt quit my phd
3- things I like about my phd
4- things i dislike about my phd

and then show these and doctors report to jane tomorrow… real life here i come?


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