good and bad


i am pretty stressed tonight but I spoke to my mum and she’s right, there’s nothing I can do tonight so I may as well relax sleep well. I probably wont though…

I cant really relax cos I dont know what’s going to happen, will I have to pay back my money since september as jane says (£6000)?? Will I have to pay council tax now? Will I have to move house? will I have to look for a job right now? will I get a masters or not? will I know any of this before I go to Australia? stress stress

wish i knew healthy ways of not thinking about it and sleeping at night and not worrying

I felt a bit good today because I told Jane that I wanted to convert to masters and that we would have a meeting when I got back from oz. when she said i couldnt get a masters i just said that that would be for the committee to decide. when she said she was disappointed and that I was wasting my life I said that, well, that was her opinion and I didnt agree with it. when she said I would have to pay the money back, I said that Hugh said I wouldnt have to. He was nice this morning, he said some people take 4 years funding to the end to write a masters, and when i said I didnt want to take money and not be in the lab he said to not worry about it and that most people get paid to write up. however when I went to check after what jane said he wasnt quite so sure but said he would find out… so a bit more stressed out.

Miltos said (but said not to say anything to Jane) that I should think about using the rest of my funding to work in someone elses lab on a solid project and I could maybe even get a PhD out of 2 years if I busted a gut.

I said I didnt know if I wanted to do that though… and I dont want to rush into anything. I would like a fresh start and I would like to work for a couple of months not doing anything too stressful and think about what i’d like to do… I just dont know when these few months will be- starting tomorrow, in a few weeks, in a few months- I am waiting on information and decisions on other people and I am not doing anything- it is so frustrating and boring to not be able to do anything! aghhh!!!

think I will go for a run now. tired tired want drama over and just get on with it.
but there is nothing I can do so will just focus on something else, some exercise and read a book and tidy my room and try not to stress, nothing I can do nothing i can do nothing I can do just keep telling myself this and to relax!

One day this will be over and I will write a sane-ish post about nice things like recipes and music and movies. promise.

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4 thoughts on “good and bad

  1. Looks like I didn’t need to write that last comment! You said all the right things anyway!!!! good for you.

    Worrying will not change anything but its not nice being in limbo.

    Waiting to see the outcome with you. Have run for me. I am a fat pig at present. Thanks for all your comments over at The Sword….love reading them.

  2. oh, one more thing

    “I would like a fresh start and I would like to work for a couple of months not doing anything too stressful and think about what i’d like to do.”

    This may be a luxury you can’t afford but its not the end of the world. Sometimes just getting on with life and moving onto the next thing which presents itself leads you down new and unusual paths you never would have dreamed of. (grammar?)What’s your belief system? Trust to the universe….

  3. Why don’t you seriously consider talking to your doctor and taking a couple of weeks medical leave to get your head sorted out and to look more seriously into your options? I seriously doubt that you will be required to pay back any money as you took the money on good faith that you were doing the PhD. They may want back money they have advanced you if you leave before the end of the period the money should cover.

  4. thanks for the comments guys, yeah I am looking forward to moving on wherever the path may take me, and I don’t mind paying back any advancements but I cant afford to pay back money from before, wahhhh I hate being in debt, hate it hate it
    I also am not sure I want to go down the route of sick leave, as i feel that would be an easy option and I’m not sick, and one day I may actually need sick leave, and then i’d feel like the boy who cried wolf..

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