haggis

as I won’t be having haggis on Burn’s night as I arrive in Oz on Friday, I made some tonight with turnip and carrots (clapshot) and cheesey mashed potatoes, and slow cooked onions. Also had a nice salad with rocket and parmesan and goats cheese and cherry tomatoes. gone a whole day, no chocolate, that makes a change from the stressful past few weeks!

I have to go and see Jane tomorrow- I emailed the director grad studies at weekend to check whether it would be good for me to go and see Jane as she didnt know any of my plans to move for suspension, but he said best to wait and he would talk to her. seems like he talked to her yesterday and now she is angry because I didnt discuss stuff with her and in his email he said she suggested me going back to work in her lab (rather than change). I dont want that, and I hope I am strong enough to stand up to her again.

Here are some phrases I may use when she says why didnt I discuss it with her:

“To be honest I find it difficult to talk to you as I find you intimidating and thus it is difficult for me to explain how I feel.”

she;ll then say that’s rubbish or that i’m weak

so i’ll then say

“Well I would have liked to come and speak to you but I don’t think it would have been helpful for either of us as emotions would have got in the way.

“I wanted to first sort out my options without having to worry about your reaction which I felt would have been negative.

“I don’t want to come back to this lab as I feel the project is not cohesive and I still find it difficult talking to you and I don’t want to feel intimidated or stressed about coming to work.”

i think it’s best to keep some short phrases like – that wouldnt be helpful for either of us- I find you intimidating- I wanted to sort out my options calmly- in my mind so that I can stick my ground more easily. if I try to explain exactly how I feel she will pick it apart and I will get stressed and probably cry with the frustration and she will tell me I’m weak. So I will stick to my guns and will not tell the whole truth because then she can’t undermine me so easily if I feel I am not opening myself up for attack.

Oh, I’ll be so glad when this drama is over, when I have a boss that doesn’t stress me out so much that I have to write a blog entry considering what I am going to say!

3 more sleeps now, night night/ good morning wherever you are!