lalala

just spoken to C, feel really good now he just takes me out of myself and back down to earth and makes me laugh about stupid things like isaac newton saying ‘look at this stephen, i’ve invented gravity, you don’t even have a wheelchair yet’ and stephen hawking saying in his synthesised voice, ‘fuck off isaac’. Yeah. It was funny at the time. Jokes to do with Stephen Hawking seem to be a long running theme in our relationship. Any long running jokes in your relationships you’d care to share? At work today the lady I work with who’s about 60 I think told me about a long running joke with her husband that they’ve had going since before they were married 30 odd years ago. They went on a trip to the Highlands of Scotland in their twenties (despite the trouble they had finding two single rooms in the BnBs while they were touring) and came across a shack (their words, not mine) along a single track road. out rushed a small man who apparrantly said to them, “yoooo’ll be wanting to top up yooorrrr juuuuuice”. Now whenever their car is low on petrol they say they need to top up their juice. Ah, young love.

Actually I don’t know if I want to write any entries from my old diary, it’s a bit too painful going over old issues. Here’s a couple of things I wrote- there’s nothing like dispair to bring out the poet in you:
Fresh Flesh
Whenever I am reminded
Whenever I remember
Whenever something is said
I restab the wounds in nice fresh flesh

Reading over the entries I was so naiive and it was so obvious that I was sad and that it was not a good relationship but still I slept on the living room floor for a year before moving out. I was scared of doing the wrong thing, something that later on might prove to be the wrong decision, of never finding love again I guess. But even now reading those entries I wonder why I thought I should put up with getting treated so badly, i guess I thought that’s all that I deserved and I wouldn’t ever get any better. I also just wanted to check all the boxes, perfectionist I guess, without doing what I liked. Caring too much about other people’s opinion. Yuck, it makes me feel rank that I stayed in that relationship. But it made me who I am now so it’s not all bad. I don’t know if you guys ever have things you say to yourself in your head. Phrases I tell myself quite often at different times, whether I believe them or not, are “you cant force anyone to love you” “be confident” “worse things happen to better people” “be happy, you’re you”. I also hear my old PE teacher in my head telling me to keep going, or to take the harder option, to push myself just a little bit more. He was a good teacher. I really liked him.

well these last two posts feel quite talkative, I mean I’m talking to you Mr and Mrs reader to share your views. And dont worry about the above poem I think I was too sad to think about anything else but my own pain so I didnt really care that now it sounds a bit crazy!

night night, from me in a happy place laughing about men with apples and wheelchairs

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2 thoughts on “lalala

  1. Growth is painful. Great poem. I burned all mine. Great to ‘read’ you in such a happy place.
    Long running jokes in our relationship…..apart from his penchant for kung-fu movies?? Can’t think of any right now. Its too late and I have to get some work ready!!

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