just human

When I look back and start to see things through rose tinted glasses, I should remember that although MrC and I had the greatest times, we also had some of the worst of times, and in the end, after 3.5 years together, living together for more than 2.5:
– he, for whatever reasons, wasn’t able to tell me the truth about the other girl, and he has never since and probably never will
– he let me think it was all my fault
– he let me wait at home for weeks while he ‘decided if he wanted to be with me’, drawing it out whilst I know now he was with the other girl at some point during this time
– he said he didnt have any money to give me when i was stoney broke, even when he did, and accepted my paying of rent when the other girl was staying, let me move out, and didn’t offer to return my money from our account
– he didnt have the balls to tell me the girl was coming down 4 days after I moved out, told his friends instead and asked them not to tell me (maybe hoping they would so he wouldn’t have to?)
– blanked me on nights out
– he never, ever apologised
– when I was heartbroken, he was crying for himself

I loved him more than I have ever loved anyone, but the person I was in love with no longer exists, and the person who loved him doesn’t either. These things are in the past now. He acted selfishly and emotionally immaturely, and although there are definitely different ways of going about it, I don’t believe he acted maliciously. In the end he made the decisions he thought would make him happy, and you can’t blame someone for that.

I think he did feel bad and guilty about things, but he is so so proud, and thus took his anger out on others- being angry with me for talking with his parents, angry with friends for talking with me. I know the frustration of being in a relationship you don’t want to be in, but in the end you have to do the hard thing and tell the truth, sort it out before you find an excuse to move on, be big and take responsibility yourself for your own happiness.

I’ll always have the best memories for the majority of our time together, but the person in those memories isn’t the same person who lay drunk on the living room floor saying he didn’t think I loved him. It’s not the same person who got angry for the slightest thing, who threw the food I cooked him shouting “I’m not eating that”. It’s not the same person who told me I embarassed everyone, that I was only beautiful “on the inside”, that I didn’t support him, who attacked me for everything I tried to do to help. Who resented me for studying and doing the things that made me feel good. Who found things to dislike about me, who saw only the bad. Who refused to compromise. Or maybe it is and I just didn’t see it before. Maybe I was someone different before, and when I finally wanted to be me, it didn’t work. I should just be me from the start. It’s hard when you don’t know who that is.

In the end, it wasn’t just one of us. There are things I could have done differently, a person I could have been. Sure, there are different ways to act, more mature and less hurtful, but not many people are strong enough to when feelings (and pride) are involved. In the end, it just means our relationship didn’t work.

I wrote this post originally so that I won’t forget to remember that there were bad times as well as good- MrC wasn’t the amazing person I made him out to be, he was just human.


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