Letters I will never send my boyfriend, No.2

Dear XY,

I love Step-Daughter, she is a great girl, but I find it hard sometimes as your relationship is not the usual father-daughter relationship, understandably so.

With Flo, she is your daughter, and has known you since she was born. You have a normal relationship, she hugs you, you go on bike rides, she asks your opinion, she gives you back chat, she gets embarrassed by you, she loves you a lot and you her. I love Flo too, and never feel bad when she is around. There is no overlap in our relationships- she is your daughter, and I am your girlfriend, totally different.

With SD, I think because you came into her life when she was 4, she was past the time of baby-bonding to a father, so she has a different relationship than Flo. It is similar to a girlfriend without the sex. She holds you rather than hugs you, she strokes your head and hair, she holds your hand, she kisses you on the lips, she puts her arms round your neck and gazes into your eyes, she wants to sit on your knee, if she cuddles you in bed it’s totally differently to how Flo would, she gets jealous of anyone in a relationship with you, as that relationship would overlap hers, being as they fulfill similar paths.

I am not saying this is wrong, I think understandably or not, I do not know the dynamics in your old house, she has developed this type of relationship. I don’t think you act in the same way as her, but I do know that I don’t want to be in competition with someone else, I’d rather not take part. It is not my normal but it is your normal and you shouldnt change it. I’m happy for you to spend all the time with her as you like, and you should, just when I am there I do not want to feel that tension, that jealousy. I do not want to come home to notes left for you in our bed, like a cat marking its territory. I do not want to be picked on and bullied and put down infront of you. I do not want a stressful life. So unless something is different I will not be there when SD is. That is why I get stressed to think she will be here.

Apart from that, of course there are also trust issues, as on many occasions she has lied, and done things I do not think are morally Ok. Drink driving, stealing, not even helping with moving. However, I don’t hold grudges and people can win back trust by being repeatedly kind and trustworthy, it just may take a while.

I’d like for SD to not see me as a threat, and get to know her more, but I am not convinced that will happen. I don’t want to feel intimidated in my own home, it’s not fair.

Love XX


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