I find it hard when your kids come to stay. They are old but not quite adults, they are lacking in some morals that I take for granted. I don’t trust them with my things or my feelings. I would rather not be around them. I worry because in being with you they will always visit, they will always be there in the background, and I will always feel my house is not quite my own, the fact that those I don’t trust can come and stay in it. As though it is unsafe, temporary. Not mine.
I love being with you, going on adventures, laughing, eating, biking. But this is a big thing, this life you had before me that I am not part of. Your kids will never really bond with me or look to me- they have two mothers already, one that does not like me. They see me as vying for your attention. They will be polite but underneath they find me a hindrance, that is all, an inconvenience, something best ignored.
And I worry, because your ex wife has just had a child with your surname, your daughters will no doubt have children in the not too distant future, and it will hurt me when you coo over these children, knowing that I won’t be having any if I stay with you.
I don’t know if i necessarily want to give birth, but if I end up without a family i will be sad to be on the outskirts of yours looking in, and seeing the love you have for other’s children, at the expense of my own.
But life is a compromise – I know you bring me happiness and love and I feel cared for. If i decide to go and have children, it may be alone or with someone not as loving as you, I may be a terrible mum or my children may grow up to hate me or be horrible people, you can never tell. But it is hard to live life on a “what if” and i don’t know what to do.