Hmmm

I’m worried about the future, about making bad decisions and what to do with my life.

I like having fun, I like spur of the moment driving to see friends and going on mad cap capers. I like having lots of friends all over the shop for different meet ups- crafting, dancing, movies, chats.

I love going to the gym and eating healthy food and then having tea and brownies and a good book or newspaper.

I love going biking with my boyfriend, cycling high up in the hills and coming down really fast jumping off ledges.

I like seeing new places and trying new things.

I worry that I don’t like settling down, and that this will upset family and partner, who would love to see me buy a house and have a regular job.

Me, I’d love to live where I did previously, good pals around, meeting up for brunch and walking in the sunshine, having a glass of wine in the garden, baking cakes and watching Indiana Jones on a wet day. I worry that my happy golucky self has disappeared into hiding, and I worry what the answer is to get her back.

I think I have to be free and think this means not owning a house or having a longterm relationship. Because I hate saying no to people or letting them down. And that means I say yes to things and then I’m constantly fighting the weight of it like trying to get up from the ground when a bigger person is holding you down.

I feel sad, like I miss my former life. I miss my pals, I miss laughter, I miss free time. Is it a byproduct of my town? Or student life? Or my relationship? Or feeling I’m destined for a life I don’t want? I feel I’m being choked by the desires of others. It weighs me down everyday. I try to forget as I revise for my finals, shrug it off like a monkey climbing up my back- it slips down but it never fully lets go.

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