Punish

I know I use sugary foods to punish myself. I know I crave them and hide them and eat them in private. I know when I buy them I can’t think of anything else and have to rush home to them. I know I get angry if anyone tries to stop me having them. I know I make arrangements to meet people just so I can have some. I know I attend social engagements because they will have some. I know that when I have one or two I get a rush of pleasure and release of anxiety that I built up about consuming them. But I also know within minutes I feel guilty and worthless and stupid and force myself to eat the rest even if I don’t want it- in a bid to punish myself for the first little bit and in a bid to be able to get rid of the evidence, to kid myself by eating it all now I can start afresh tomorrow… I feel awful and ill and know it is bad for me and say I won’t do this again, this is the last time, right tomorrow I am not going to have any… then I wake up in the morning and think when will I be able to have some? Is there some I can have for breakfast? Will I get some at work? Where can I get some? I know this is unhealthy.

I know this because it is exactly how I used to be with alcohol. With cigarettes. How I would be with drugs if I didn’t have very wise friends who didn’t let me rush out the next day and buy more.

I would like to not punish myself. I would like to not think in black and white. I would like to be kinder. I would like to be free of the anticipation-release-misery cycle; Please help. Gah I have to do this myself and I CAN’T. If it’s not one thing it’s another. Please can I be normal!!

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