Tuesday night and feeling alright

So I’ve been feeling a bit more positive this week, no I’m not going crazy, and I actually quite like working hard when things move forward. I spoke to another senior person in the department who was also supportive and positive about my project, I’ve kinda been needing that, someone who’s not a friend to say, hey, it’s not all shit, you have a project on the go that is going somewhere. It can be a bit hard, in relation to my last post, when you have a supervisor who is always negative towards you. She told me today i was a waster, said my boyfriend has a stupid name. Last week she said I was pathetic and was there something wrong with me that I can’t survive without my boyfriend for 6 months. A few months ago she told me i was fat and drew a picture on the white board in our lab to highlight this fact, and even though I was crying she didn’t say sorry but instead that I should expect it. The other night when I said something about my ex-husband cheating on me she said that I had already said to him that I didn’t think things were working- as if that excuses it, we were still together! So, definitely not a friend. In fact, if a friend said any of these things at least I could say they hurt me and sort it out, but in some ways because she is in a position of power these things hurt more, it’s like it’s a fact, not playful banter, and it’s like she’s abusing that power as I can’t retaliate. I can’t believe some of the things she says- I guess I think those in an authoritative position should be impartial and fair and never personal, but maybe I was just lucky with the teachers I had in high school. I get angry when i think of all these things because I never had the chance to get the anger out of my system cos I can’t stand up to her. Now I have a different approach, to just move on and get on with my work and think that she can’t hurt me. She can’t fucking hurt me, because I don’t respect her any more, and she doesn’t know me, she doesn’t know how I feel and I’m not going to open up to her anymore, and I’m going to ask other people about the science so i can minimise my contact with her. And I’m going to work hard so she has nothing to complain about. I guess the unfairness of it all gets me frustrated sometime, for instance when i get a new hair cut or clothes: you look fat or ugly. When German Boy gets a new haircut: oh that’s cool. she treats men and women differently, but I am not going to let it bother me, it is quite a good therapy to write it all down here, but I am glad I’ve had this realisation that she is the crazy one and that she is not always right. It also makes me look at others differently- W in the lab is a good friend I think, but yet I don’t like the way he is around her, I think that if she is fucked up I look at bit differently at people who are close to her. I will try and minimise all my time with her for the fear of ever being like her: when I make acquaintances with people who I think are a bad influence on the way I am, e.g. bringing out the worst in me so I find I don’t like myself, I limit the contact I have with them and end up not being friends with them at all. In a work place, when the certain someone is your boss, it can be a bit more difficult, but I’ll limit it as much as I can. I no way want to be like her, even if she talks in such a way that makes you think her way is the only way. And I am going to get on with my PhD as my PhD is for me and really, although she is my supervisor, it doesn’t have that much the fuck to do with her. She doesn’t do lab work any more and just makes me feel negatively about my results and ideas so i’ll just talk to other professors as much as possible. Annoyed myself today by not reading a lit search paper and then being asked by her to present and trying to excuse myself. I shoulda fucking read it but at 10pm last night I was too tired and thought it wouldn’t really matter as BG said he would do it, but then to have her ask me I felt like a fool, first because I’ve actually been working hard and don’t want her to think I’m a slacker still, and 2. because the other professor S who was there and who i respect more thinks I’m a slacker too now I guess as he didn’t look very happy. He has been understanding and nice and helpful to me so I feel a bit like I let him down, but more like I let myself down, so I’ll definitely read the papers and not get caught ought again- unlucky! But at the same time it’s not a big deal and I’m not going to make it out to be the worst thing in the world like my boss makes it to be. I’m getting on with my work, I coulda read the paper this morning but I was in at 8 running gels and doing PCRs and I think that’s more productive with my time than to read papers on the endomembrane system. Och well, she’s not going to get to me anymore and I came out and got on with my work instead of moping and worrying and feeling sorry for myself like I would have done, so i am feeling Ok and going to stay positive, cos that’s when I’m at my most productive, when I’m not distracted by melodrama about insignificant things, when I’m not feeling outta control or nervous or depressed. I hope I get stronger and deal with this aspect of working life better day by day.