Punish

I know I use sugary foods to punish myself. I know I crave them and hide them and eat them in private. I know when I buy them I can’t think of anything else and have to rush home to them. I know I get angry if anyone tries to stop me having them. I know I make arrangements to meet people just so I can have some. I know I attend social engagements because they will have some. I know that when I have one or two I get a rush of pleasure and release of anxiety that I built up about consuming them. But I also know within minutes I feel guilty and worthless and stupid and force myself to eat the rest even if I don’t want it- in a bid to punish myself for the first little bit and in a bid to be able to get rid of the evidence, to kid myself by eating it all now I can start afresh tomorrow… I feel awful and ill and know it is bad for me and say I won’t do this again, this is the last time, right tomorrow I am not going to have any… then I wake up in the morning and think when will I be able to have some? Is there some I can have for breakfast? Will I get some at work? Where can I get some? I know this is unhealthy.

I know this because it is exactly how I used to be with alcohol. With cigarettes. How I would be with drugs if I didn’t have very wise friends who didn’t let me rush out the next day and buy more.

I would like to not punish myself. I would like to not think in black and white. I would like to be kinder. I would like to be free of the anticipation-release-misery cycle; Please help. Gah I have to do this myself and I CAN’T. If it’s not one thing it’s another. Please can I be normal!!

Sad

Sad about my pals from my current town, think perhaps they arent as good pals as I think they are.

I feel sad that for my birthday one sent me a card and one gave me a card. No-one else. No presents. No cake. I feel sad because every year for these good pals I’ve helped organise something, given presents, cooked cake. It might sound like it’s about money but it’s not. I just want my friend to care. Like here’s a poem I wrote or some flowers I picked or can I get you a drink or we made this silly vid singing happy birthday. When I see them organising surprise birthday parties for others… I feel like I’m not cool enough or that they don’t want to invest in my friendship as we are moving cities soon, or that they don’t really care. The thing is I often have them for dinner, brunch, tea; organise things for my course, and I don’t feel the love back. This makes me sad.

Things

Things I like about my boyfriend:

1. His smile, his smell
2. His kindess and compassion
3. He is an excellent house mate and very fun to do things with
4. He gives the best hugs EVER
5. He cares a lot for me and is always kind
6. He understands when I am stressed or grumpy
7. He likes to dance

Things I dislike about being in a relationship with my boyfriend:
(I was going to put things I dislike about him but there is not much I don’t like- things that stress me are always external but associated with him)
1. His ex wife
2. Those of his children that I think are not nice people and can be mean and would never want them in my life but have to cos they are related to him
3. That if I settle down with him the above will always be in his life and thus will always be in mine AND I CANT STAND IT

Literally apart from that I could say I don’t like it when he is grumpy (who does) and he gets stressed by things I don’t which I find hard to deal with and that I wish he was a bit funnier but I’m trying hard to come up with these things as opposed to the heebiejeebies I get when any of the above two things are mentioned/ call / make their presence known.

I either have to suck it up and get on with it (I knew when we started going out he had an ex wife and kids but i hoped we would get along…) or… or what? Tell him I don’t want to be with him cos his baggage upsets me? That he has horrible people in his life I don’t want associated with mine and hence I want out? It’s not like he can change their behaviour. Gah, life is simpler when you are single!

Hmmm

I’m worried about the future, about making bad decisions and what to do with my life.

I like having fun, I like spur of the moment driving to see friends and going on mad cap capers. I like having lots of friends all over the shop for different meet ups- crafting, dancing, movies, chats.

I love going to the gym and eating healthy food and then having tea and brownies and a good book or newspaper.

I love going biking with my boyfriend, cycling high up in the hills and coming down really fast jumping off ledges.

I like seeing new places and trying new things.

I worry that I don’t like settling down, and that this will upset family and partner, who would love to see me buy a house and have a regular job.

Me, I’d love to live where I did previously, good pals around, meeting up for brunch and walking in the sunshine, having a glass of wine in the garden, baking cakes and watching Indiana Jones on a wet day. I worry that my happy golucky self has disappeared into hiding, and I worry what the answer is to get her back.

I think I have to be free and think this means not owning a house or having a longterm relationship. Because I hate saying no to people or letting them down. And that means I say yes to things and then I’m constantly fighting the weight of it like trying to get up from the ground when a bigger person is holding you down.

I feel sad, like I miss my former life. I miss my pals, I miss laughter, I miss free time. Is it a byproduct of my town? Or student life? Or my relationship? Or feeling I’m destined for a life I don’t want? I feel I’m being choked by the desires of others. It weighs me down everyday. I try to forget as I revise for my finals, shrug it off like a monkey climbing up my back- it slips down but it never fully lets go.

Letters I will never send to my boyfriend No.3

Dear XY,

I find it hard when your kids come to stay. They are old but not quite adults, they are lacking in some morals that I take for granted. I don’t trust them with my things or my feelings. I would rather not be around them. I worry because in being with you they will always visit, they will always be there in the background, and I will always feel my house is not quite my own, the fact that those I don’t trust can come and stay in it. As though it is unsafe, temporary. Not mine.

I love being with you, going on adventures, laughing, eating, biking. But this is a big thing, this life you had before me that I am not part of. Your kids will never really bond with me or look to me- they have two mothers already, one that does not like me. They see me as vying for your attention. They will be polite but underneath they find me a hindrance, that is all, an inconvenience, something best ignored.

And I worry, because your ex wife has just had a child with your surname, your daughters will no doubt have children in the not too distant future,  and it will hurt me when you coo over these children, knowing that I won’t be having any if I stay with you.

I don’t know if i necessarily want to give birth, but if I end up without a family i will be sad to be on the outskirts of yours looking in, and seeing the love you have for other’s children, at the expense of my own.

 

But life is a compromise – I know you bring me happiness and love and I feel cared for. If i decide to go and have children, it may be alone or with someone not as loving as you, I may be a terrible mum or my children may grow up to hate me or be horrible people, you can never tell. But it is hard to live life on a “what if” and i don’t know what to do.

Letters I will never send my boyfriend, No.2

Dear XY,

I love Step-Daughter, she is a great girl, but I find it hard sometimes as your relationship is not the usual father-daughter relationship, understandably so.

With Flo, she is your daughter, and has known you since she was born. You have a normal relationship, she hugs you, you go on bike rides, she asks your opinion, she gives you back chat, she gets embarrassed by you, she loves you a lot and you her. I love Flo too, and never feel bad when she is around. There is no overlap in our relationships- she is your daughter, and I am your girlfriend, totally different.

With SD, I think because you came into her life when she was 4, she was past the time of baby-bonding to a father, so she has a different relationship than Flo. It is similar to a girlfriend without the sex. She holds you rather than hugs you, she strokes your head and hair, she holds your hand, she kisses you on the lips, she puts her arms round your neck and gazes into your eyes, she wants to sit on your knee, if she cuddles you in bed it’s totally differently to how Flo would, she gets jealous of anyone in a relationship with you, as that relationship would overlap hers, being as they fulfill similar paths.

I am not saying this is wrong, I think understandably or not, I do not know the dynamics in your old house, she has developed this type of relationship. I don’t think you act in the same way as her, but I do know that I don’t want to be in competition with someone else, I’d rather not take part. It is not my normal but it is your normal and you shouldnt change it. I’m happy for you to spend all the time with her as you like, and you should, just when I am there I do not want to feel that tension, that jealousy. I do not want to come home to notes left for you in our bed, like a cat marking its territory. I do not want to be picked on and bullied and put down infront of you. I do not want a stressful life. So unless something is different I will not be there when SD is. That is why I get stressed to think she will be here.

Apart from that, of course there are also trust issues, as on many occasions she has lied, and done things I do not think are morally Ok. Drink driving, stealing, not even helping with moving. However, I don’t hold grudges and people can win back trust by being repeatedly kind and trustworthy, it just may take a while.

I’d like for SD to not see me as a threat, and get to know her more, but I am not convinced that will happen. I don’t want to feel intimidated in my own home, it’s not fair.

Love XX

Letters I will never send my boyfriend, No.1

Dear XY,

I need to be able to tell you when I am upset or worried, and I need you to be able to listen. I am not demanding but I am not a push over either, and some things are important to me that aren’t very big asks. I want to feel that you think of me, and that my feelings matter.

I thought we had decided to meet at two, after multiple conversations when you said you’d be back by then. It doesn’t matter if it was two or ten, I don’t mind when you’re back, I just think it’s polite to either
– not make a time commitment
– let someone know in advance of when you were supposed to meet that you wont be able to make it
Or
– show them you care if you couldn’t let them know by calling them at the earliest opportunity and apologising. Otherwise the message you give is that they are not high on your priorities and the feelings of others matter more than theirs. This is polite and the least I would do for an acquaintance let alone the person I purport to love most.

Of course I am going to feel insecure when you are seeing ex partners or taking part in a part of your life I am excluded from.  You would feel the same. When I went up North I made sure I texted you and called you and made sure you knew at all times I was thinking of you, just in case you felt a bit insecure or needy, cos I love you and never want you to feel bad. If you have time off I would prioritise seeing you first. I come home in my lunch hours to see you. I sit in the car with you to your work to spend time with you. So you can understand why I would feel a low priority when in the few hours I have off you’re late back from spending time with an ex.

Moaning about how you had been home for hours when I did see you, when I texted you to let you know where I was going at all times, is double standards. It is not fair to expect me to wait around for you if you do not extend the same courtesy to me. That tells me that your feelings matter but mine don’t.

The main thing I get upset about is not being able to tell you when things upset me, this is very important, as I have told you before. Otherwise, again, you can vent to me about how you are feeling and why you are stressed and I am supposed to listen, but when I calmly tell you how I am feeling I get someone shouting at me. This isn’t fair.

I don’t think these things are “needy”. I don’t cry and scream. I just want to feel important to you by you texting me before you are going to be late, and letting me tell you when something like this is important. They are not big asks. They are not something to shout at me about.

Love XX